Workout #1: The Chewie
The scene of this tale is set in my very own home, approximately three days ago, and is the particular account of how I tested the workout which you will find down below on my willfully obedient St. Bernard puppy.
I would have used a human subject, but I didn’t have one handy. I’ve run out, you see.
And so one does what one can. The subject—name: Chewie Patrick Flynn, age: 2.5 months—has a gentle face, a loose jaw, and a congenital proclivity to slobber. He sports a dirty brown coat with a white underbelly. His face hides behind a black mask, causing him to look like a bandit. But then he has these delightful little freckles scattered about his nose. It looks inconsistent. Either way his background checks out. He’s clean. Just don’t ask him to whistle. He can’t. But then again neither can a catfish. Anyways, he lives his life largely in leisure. This is to say he knows more about napping than the fellow who invented it.
“Chewie, come.”
“My dear Sir and Kinsman, could you not plainly see that I am in the middle of something enormously important. What is it that you would seek of me?”
“Good boy!!!”
“Make it quick, jester, I must return to my muttons.”
“Ok Chewie, I just need you to do something for me real quick. It’s just a short little workout I came up with, won’t take long, just a few minutes.”
“I must say the quality of discourse between us has taken a steep plunge as of late. Let us have done with this frivolous talk—advance your proposition at once.”
“Ok here’s what I got. I call it a time-crunched workout. You know, for those times when you just don’t have any time, and need to get in something real quick. It’s mostly made up of kettlebell complexes. Nothing you don’t know. Super for blasting fat, building muscle, and all that, which means it’s got something of the demoniacal in it—WINK WINK! But it’ll be fun, promise!”
“As you wish. But first, be a respectable fellow and deliver me that stuffed giraffe right there, if you please—you can’t possibly expect me to entertain just one bully bone all day, now can you.”
Chewie gave it a few squeaks then whirled it up into the air, like a pancake, where it did a few somersaults. He then began clobbering it about the head, stomping his paws with all the malicious intent of a homicidal maniac. How adorable!
“Ah, that’s better. Now on to business. Please continue.”
“Ok, so the first complex is all double cleans and front squats, but it’s done in a kind of odd sequence. It goes eight double cleans, five front squats, five double cleans, three front squats, three double cleans, two front squats, two double cleans, and one front squat. And I want you to run three rounds of it. Think you got that?”
“Father, please, I can call out a Fibonacci sequence quicker than a terrier can smell out a mole.”
*Complex details:
8 x double clean
5 x double front squat
5 x double clean
3 x double front squat
3 x double clean
2 x double front squat
2 x double clean
1x double front squat
Recommended weight: Males and Females: 2 x 20kg or 2 x 24kg kettlebells
“Ok, Chewie, so, how was it? How do you feel?”
“I must say my contentment is quite complete. I’m so happy I could maim you.”
I stepped back, just out the way of his reach.
“Ok, well, we’re halfway done, next up is the Holy Fiver, you might remember this one from Racked and Loaded, my free eBook containing 101 of my personal favorite kettlebell complexes for blasting fat and building muscle.”
“Never read it.”
“Oh, well, no matter. It’s just five reps of the following exercises: double swing, double snatch, double clean and press, and front squat. Simple enough, right? And again, I want you to run three rounds of it, if you wouldn’t mind.”
*Complex details:
5 x double swing
5 x double snatch
5 x double clean and press
5 x front squat
Recommended Weight: 2 x 20-24kg for males, 2 x 12-16kg for females
“So…?”
“To give a fair account, I will say that in the first round my life-force traveled in straight channels—that is, it followed a smooth and advantageous course. The task was not a burden, and I was not in need of a breather. But on the second I freely admit that I was assailed at all angles. The rapid and repeated contractions of the striated muscles grew to be very nearly unbearable, as if someone had driven railway spikes into my thighs. Hence, the panting. On the third set I am fairly certain that I met God. Please put that down in your notes.”
“Got it. Anything else?”
“Yes, just one more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m pooping.”
6 More Time-Crunched Kettlebell Complex Workouts
I’m done writing, for now.
If you have any questions, drop them in the comments, email me at PatFlynn@ChroniclesOfStrength.com, Tweet at me, or come say hi on Facebook. Whichever you’d like.
Workout #2: Swing Mountain
Perform 2-3 rounds of the following complex:
2 x two hand swing
1 x goblet squat
4 x two hand swing
2 x goblet squat
6 x two hand swing
3 x goblet squat
8 x two hand swing
4 x goblet squat
10 x two hand swing
5 x goblet squat
Recommend weight: 24kg kettlebell for males, 16kg kettlebell for females
Workout #3: Fresh Off The Yacht
Perform 5 rounds of the following complex :
5 x one arm swing
5 x one arm clean
5 x one arm snatch
5 x one arm jerk
5 x reverse lunge
Perform 1-2 rounds of the following complex:
2 x two hand swing
2 x one one arm swing
2 x squat to press (aka thruster)
Add two reps to each movement the next time through. Continue adding two reps with each cycle until you reach ten. Then go back down in the same fashion.
Recommend weight: 16-24kg for males, 8-16kg for females
Perform 15 minutes of the following snatch interval sequence:
15 seconds x one arm snatch (right arm)
15 seconds rest
15 seconds x one arm snatch (left arm)
15 seconds rest
Workout #6: The Good Samaritan
Perform 3-5 rounds of the following complex
5 x double military press
30 seconds x overhead hold
5 x double front squat
30 seconds x rack hold
Had to.
Perform 1-3 rounds of the following complex:
10 x double swing
10 x double snatch
10 x double clean and press
10 x front squat
10 x push up
Recommend weight: 16-20kg for males, 8-12kg for females
***
About Pat Flynn: Pat Flynn is a certified Russian Kettlebell Challenge instructor, fitness philosopher, and 7th degree blackbelt in hanging out. Pat is the founder of ChroniclesOfStrength.com and chief contributor to the Chronicles of Strength Inner Circle where he shares his best ideas on how to chop fat and multiply muscle through kettlebell complex training. Pat also offers online coaching. It’s expensive, and certainly not for those who are fragile by nature. Email Pat at PatFlynn@ChroniclesOfStrength.com with the subject line of “online coaching” to learn more.
